Submitted by Gretchen Bailey Esq
If you are considering a divorce which can be very traumatic, there are some key points you should consider. If possible, once you and your spouse have made the decision to terminate the marriage. If you have children, their well-being must come first! Courts are consistent with what is in the best interest of the child. Judges have heard every story possible between the spouses therefore the focus needs to be on the children’s well-being and on obtaining an amicable custody agreement the courts will agree to. If there is domestic violence or other issues preventing an amicable solution, see your attorney for advice.
While and after the divorce try to keep things as close to predivorce (for the children) as possible. As an example, when having birthday parties for the children, include your spouse, grandparents, and other relatives as well. This sets an example for the children that even though their parents are not married anymore, we could still act as a family where they were concerned.
When preparing for a divorce, financial disclosure by both parties is critical in this process. Know the family finances inside and out. Your attorney will discuss what you are entitled to legally. It is always important to know what the family finances are including bank accounts, credit cards, utility bills, retirement accounts, life insurance policies etc.… Often, the financial responsibility in a marriage is taken on by one spouse with the other spouse being completely left in the dark as to what is going on. In the event of a divorce, this proves problematic, especially if the finances turn out to be much less than believed or there could be the issue of hiding assets that one spouse may not be aware of.
Often, we see couples going through a divorce, where one of the parties gives up because they simply do not want to deal with the stress of the process any longer. They settle for less than they should, especially when it comes to Alimony and sometimes equitable distribution of the assets. This is often the case when one party is difficult to deal with; communication has broken down or if you own a family business. Unfortunately, once the dust settles, so to speak, this decision is often met with regret and/or realization sets in that the expected standard of living cannot be sustained based on what was agreed. This is especially true when one party may have given up their career to become a stay-at-home parent or work part-time to care for the children.
Once a Settlement Agreement is finalized and even more so when an agreement is reached with the advice of an attorney, it is virtually impossible to set aside the agreement or receive a modification. The same applies to child custody agreements. An unanticipated, substantial change in circumstance is required for a court to even consider a custody modification. This burden can rarely be met. It is imperative that as a party to a divorce proceeding you determine at the onset what you are “realistically” entitled to under the law and stay the course.
Some parties become so distraught and emotional that they begin to fight over everything as a matter of “principle”. This causes the divorce process to drag on and attorney fees to escalate, adding months or years to the process. You should evaluate what you are fighting over and consider if it is worth the emotional and financial cost of fighting over something based on principle.
Especially when a party feels wronged, such as when there is adultery involved, they want a judge to acknowledge somehow what a bad spouse their husband or wife has been. The reality is, unless there is domestic violence involved or wasteful dissipation of assets (such as a gambling issue or lavish gifts spent on a paramour), that is never going to happen. There is a reason all states are now no-fault states. Meaning, that the only ground you need to be granted a divorce is for one spouse to state the marriage has been irretrievably broken for six months.
The actual reason for a divorce almost always comes down to a he said, she said, and the courts have no way to determine who is telling the truth. It is common knowledge that perjury runs rampant in divorce cases. There is nothing a judge or attorney can do to change the fact that your spouse turned out to be an unkind or uncaring or irresponsible person. If you have children together, you must decide how you are going to spend the rest of your life dealing with the father or mother of your children. Are you going to subject yourself to constant conflict or are you going to move forward and make this process as conflict free as possible for yourself and your children?
Finally, going through a divorce is stressful. There is no way around that. You need to take care of yourself and your children. We advise against going out partying, dating, trying to relive your youth. Behaviors that are frequent while going through the divorce process.
You need to have a clear head and minimal outside distractions. You will have plenty of time to move forward with your life “after” the divorce. It is best to keep the details of your divorce private. Everyone will want to give you input and only you can decide what is best for you and your children based on the facts and circumstances as you know them to be. It will get worse before it gets better. Work with your attorney on the next steps as you proceed with this process and follow their advice.
Gretchen Bailey
Attorney at Law
Law Firm of Charles Vega P.A. gretchen@charlesvegapa.com
(800) 975-0529 www.charlesvegapa.com
